When I Needed you Most
by Hailie Jade
Summary: Carter's thoughts after Abby left in "Things Change"


Author: Hailie Jade  
  
Title: When I Needed you Most  
  
Summary: Post-ep from "things change" its told from Carter's POV  
  
"Go, my grandmother will still be dead when you get back," I yell at her frustrated, as I walk into the lounge.  
  
She'll follow me. I know she'll follow me. Or at least I thought I knew she'd follow me.  
  
I walk over to my locker and lean my forehead against it waiting for her presence to appear. It doesn't.  
  
I need her arms around me. I need to hear her say those words I've told her so many times. Even if it's a lie, I need her to tell me at this moment right now that, "Everything will be okay."  
  
I wait silently, trying to hold onto the hope that she is going to enter the lounge. I don't know how long I give her, but I finally realize that I was wrong. She's not going to come.  
  
I'm angry temporarily before I admit that I already knew that she would choose her brother. That's what it came down to right? Me or her brother. John Carter or Eric Wyczenski. He would always win. In her eyes, she owed him. In her eyes, she would always owe him.  
  
I step back as I open my locker and take out my coat. I realize, slightly amused, that we will both be headed to the airport. Separately. Okay maybe I wasn't amused, but I could have been.  
  
I open the door, and begin my journey out of the hospital. It's quite depressing that I think of it as a journey, but I do. I walk hurriedly, dreading the words of sympathy that my fellow co-workers would offer as they watched me walk by. Unwanted also are the looks of compassion that they aim towards me.  
  
As I reach the exit doors an unexpected sense of distress washes over me that causes me to briefly pause outside. When the moment passes, I look towards my car. Unconsciously I had still believed I would find her waiting, but she's not there.  
  
My emotions explode, and I allow the tears to flow freely without even trying to get them under control. I don't care. I don't want to care. She's gone. They're both gone. I scream, nothing understandable comes out, but still I scream.  
  
I make my way towards the jeep, I'm unsure of whether I can drive or not. Unresolved I get into the car anyway.  
  
I drive to the airport. I go through the motions, unfocused on what it is I'm doing. Still I make it there.  
  
I park the car and move anxiously towards the entrance of the airport. I am almost inside when I get the call. I almost didn't want to answer it in my anxiousness to see my father. As I look down, however, I realize it's his cell phone that's the caller.  
  
"Dad," I say into the receiver trying greatly to keep emotion out of my voice.  
  
"I missed the flight John," he says, "I'm sorry, I'm going to make the next one."  
  
He waits until now to tell me? I think. I'm unsure of what to say so a quick "okay," is substituted for an actual response.  
  
With that he hangs up the phone. I stare at mine for a moment before closing it in my palm. Now I'm completely on my own.  
  
The thought of the impending drive to the mansion almost causes me to get a cab. But before I can make a conscious decision, my feet resolve the situation without any help as they take me back to my car. As I stand there next to the car, with the door half open, I look around and suddenly feel like the worlds getting smaller. It's an odd experience and again the sense of amusement pathetically lingers in the back recesses of my mind.  
  
I do get in the car though, and I do drive safely. Maybe not as safely as I should have, but I don't posses the necessary energy to care.  
  
I sit in the driveway staring at nothing. I've been sitting here for well over twenty minutes, but I still lack the composure that I deemed necessary to approach the door.  
  
Another ten go by just as quickly before I find myself standing inches from the door. On instinct rather then thought, I ring the doorbell.  
  
After a brief discussion downstairs I enter her room.  
  
She lies there, if I felt it necessary I could have convinced myself that she was asleep, but I knew the truth already. I linger in the doorway as I observe the painful stillness of the room.  
  
With difficulty I move towards her as I finally allow myself to fully grasp the fact that she's gone. I sit beside her and place my hand on hers.  
  
I'm emotionally exposed, but there's no one there to help me. I'm drowning and no one's here to save me. It's an empty feeling, one I wouldn't wish on anyone.  
  
"Goodbye," I whisper to her as I lay my head down on the bed and allow my tears to have full control.  
  
I hear my cell phone ring at some later time, but there's no one who I would have wanted to talk to, so I allow it to ring. 


End file.
